62

Terrified.

Finally.

Cognitive dissonance

Im writing this as i am currently overwhelmed with mixed emotions

I just came back from college as one on the judges for talentime competition

For the first time in 5 semesters, I was invited to be the judge

So yeah

I did enjoy myself at first

I was having fun, singing along with the kids, relieving my teenage years where we all had crushes etc

But as the show continues and they started to dim the light , then it hit me

It's Friday night. People usually recite Yasin on a Friday night

But here

The kids just sit wherever they like, regardless of gender

It's an enclosed space

Some of them were wearing inappropriate attires

Some of them were dancing like they're in a club

And i was there

Sitting there

And do nothing

I'm actually endorsing this right?

Which btw, totally against my beliefs

I fancy myself as more open minded than most people

Open as in accepting people's differences

Differences in opinions and ideas

But there's a line

I can be open but what God says is wrong is still wrong

I'm all about showcasing ur talents

Go ahead

I was an attention seeker myself when I was young

I used to love being in the spotlight, I still do

But there should be some boundaries

And people should have some shame

malu

Malu tu sebahagian dari iman

Sadly, without we realized it, the media (or u know, the power behind the media) is trying to manipulate us to buang sifat malu tu

And they are very successful in that

Just look at our entertainment shows like AF or Kilauan Emas,org dh x malu dh, yg dh tua, yg mmg xboleh nyanyi pun dgn yakin tnpa malu pegi audition

Look at social media

Instagram etc

People just simply share their selfies, their intimate pictures, videos with the whole world

I mean really, if u faham betul2 malu tu sebahagian dari iman, these things wont happened

Im not good at explaining this

But malu tu penting

Yes, malu bertanya sesat jalan

Jgn malu nk speak up and voice out your opinions

Jgn malu nk join debate etc

Jgn malu nk present in public

Jgn malu nk pegi interview

Byk bnde positif yg kite x perlu malu

But malulah nk share semua pasal kite to the public

Malulah nk share ur aurat to the world

Malulah nk menari terkinja2 dpn org

Kena malu

Kalau x malu dgn manusia, kena malu dgn Allah

I was really shocked la tonight

At the end, they turned off the lights and started dancing like they were in the club

And the other teachers were ok with it

Immediately i changed to warden mode and turn the lights back on myself and asked them to leave

There should be some boundaries

And there were other cases where I disagree with other English teachers

I mean yeah, we can have fun but...

Yeah jgn jadi jumud but please, xpyhla nk jadi jahil juga kot

In the end, we as teachers, we will be held responsible for the students

I think ramai x sedar tu

Being a teacher is not just about teaching ur subject

U kne guide them utk bentuk sahsiah, betulkan yg salah

Omg, i takut ok

Dosa i sendiri pun byk

And i am partly responsible for my students as well kalau i x tegur diorg when they are wrong

Lagila when I am together with them and see it happening with my own eyes

Thats why I always avoid going to the mall on weekends or stay connected with them on social media

Because I dont want to know how they are like outside the classroom

I dont want to feel guilty about not correcting them

Yeah, I know that's not the right thing to do either

It's really really hard

U want to be the fun type

U want the students to like you

But u also know what's right and wrong

U also want to be a good muslim and i want them to be good muslims too

Because we believe in the Hereafter

And yeah, the students are still young

I did silly stuff when i was young too

But I really wished there was someone who pulled me away from making those mistakes back then

Now as a teacher, I have the chance to do that

But tonight, I think I've failed

#uneditedrant

Sarang surowo

(written on 18/6/2015)

My  73 y.o skin doctor told me that the secret to sustain a relationship is to be loving and be lovable.

To be lovable

That's actually quite tricky

And lovable

Reminds me of this song

Hehe

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hj84sQLG950

Torn apart

(written on 23/5/2015)

I'm really scared of what the future will hold

Wouldnt it be best if we just live day to day not knowing what to expect

I just realized how dependent my mom had been on me for the past 3 years

Me, being the daughter who is denial, overlooked the fact that my mom is getting older, 56 years old

And we all know, is unwell

See the thing is, i guess children always see mothers as someone who has superpowers

Mothers know everything

Mothers can fix anything

Mothers can cook/bake/sew anythinh

Mothers never get sick or tired

Mothers never grow old

But she is old now

She cannot lift or carry heavy stuff anymore

She cannot eat certain food anymore

She cannot see things clearly now

Her memory is a bit fuzzy now from age and all the surgeries and chemotherapy sessions that she had gone through

She doesnt prefer to drive much now

She cannot hear things well anymore

And she's alone

She doesnt have her husband anymore

Her sons are away

She still has to take care of two schoolchildren

On top of that

Eventhough she is the one with cancer,

She's taking care of her own mother, my grandmother, who is practically bed ridden and extremely cranky and demanding.

She is a superwoman alright

Even with everything that has happened, she is the one who is taking care of her old, sick mother

Without much help from the other siblings, if I may add.

But I'm very sad to admit that I have failed to see why she depends on me so much

Eventhough I used to cry myself to sleep every night for fearing that God would take her away from us, now that i know that she's better, I'm taking her for granted again

And being selfish again

Getting angry when she asked for my help to go buy something, thinking that she could just go and get it herself

I keep on imagining and wanting for all of this to end

Wishing that I would just get married, quit my job, move to kl and start my own family

But what about my mother?

Who's gonna take care of her?

Who's gonna carry all those heavy groceries?

Who's gonna call the repairman should something in the house went kaput?

Who's gonna drive her around?

Who's gonna be with her if she's unwell?

I was too selfish to realize this earlier

All I could think of was, "well, they have to learn to let me go sooner or later. i need to have my own life too"

But they are my life right?

I cannot see how I can just leave my mom behind..

She's getting older

And alone..

Oh to be so young and innocent!

A recent conversation with the 3 old year old daughter of my friend went like this:

"Ain, bila besar nanti ain nak jadi apa?"

"Nak jadi tinggi"

When and HOW  did our lives get so complicated?

Second guessing

Have I made the right choice?

Am I really on the right path?

Is this really what's meant for me?

Am I really really really sure?

Will I regret it?

"Syaitan memang suka ganggu and halang dari buat benda-benda baik ni"(R, 2015)

Words to hold on to

Joykiller

After everything that happened to me and my family for the past God knows how long

I think I deserved to be happy for a while.

Just for a short while.

Please.

How will you die?

Have you ever wondered

How will you die?

Will you die of old age surrounded by your children and grandchildren?

Will you die of a tragic accident where the media would dig up your past for sensational ratings?

Will you die in the middle of doing something that you like?

Will you die while praying to the Almighty?

How would you be when you die?

Old, deaf, going senile?

Young, healthy and energetic?

Will you die a happy person or a grumpy old lady who annoys others?

And most importantly,

How would they act when you died?

Would they be sad?

Would they be relieved?

Good riddance perhaps?

I wonder

Circle of life

My grandmother has been sick for a few weeks now

Since she's pretty much bed- ridden now,

I was asked to purchase a few things for her which made me realized that life is indeed a cycle, and in the end you will end up like how you were when you were a baby

1.wheelchair

Purchasing a wheelchair is just like purchasing a stroller/pram

You have to consider if the wheelchair is easy to fold, not that heavy/bulky, formidable, sturdy anddddd doesnt consume a lot of space in your boot, just like an ideal stroller right?

2. Diapers

Since you can't move as much and you can't seem to control your bladder anymore, the best option is to wear diapers

Now your children and grandchildren are responsible to change you, clean you..

Which is very humbling I must say..

3. Feeding

There was a time where my grandmother couldnt swallow anything solid

So my mom basically had to blend everything, just like what she used to feed us when we were little

Not only that, my grandma couldnt even feed herself, so we had to spoonfeed her

Just like a baby..

4. Tantrum

Maybe because she's sick and uncomfortable, so the grandmother is cranky and throws tantrum most of the time

So we have to be patient and let her be

5. Inablity to form a complete sentence

My grandmother is forgetful and well, she's old. So she thinks she has formed a complete sentence when she only uttered a few words

So it is up to us to guess what she meant but when the maid couldnt understand her, there goes no 4. Hehee

All in all, the circle of life is real

We must always remember that we won't always be who we are all the time

So do take care of yourself

If possible, you don't want to trouble other people in the future

Things will be especially hard when you're overweight

So take this as a motivation to keep your body fit and slim hahaha

And do as much as ibadah as you can when you are young and able to do so

After all, ibadah org muda lebih bernilai dari yang tua

This is also a reminder for us that we are responsible to look after our parents

They have been taking good care of us

When the time comes for us to take care of them, be patient

God is giving us an opportunity to serve them, to gain pahala

Taking care of old people is very very very challenging

But your parents are your own responsibilty

If you love them, take care of them

That's the least you could do

Things unseen

Recently, 

We had to "berubat" for some reasons

And they discovered that I actually have "something" all along which would explain a lot of my behaviour and well, my personality in general

Which makes me wonder, 

Who am I actually?

Was I really myself all this while?

I'm still very sceptical

But there's too many unexplainable events and "coincidences" that has been happening lately

And i dont think it's fair to blame something else for your own doing

I mean, if my period is irregular,

I would say it's because I havent been praticing healthy lifestyle especially since I'm overweight 😏

And well if I'm always moody and have quite a temper, isn't that a sign that I need to learn some anger management?

And kalau dh malas tu, mmg sbb u malas la kan? Hahaha

night changes

We're only getting older baby

And I’ve been thinking about you lately

Does it ever drive you crazy

Just how fast the night changes

Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of

Disappearing when you wake up

But there’s nothing to be afraid of

Even when the night changes

It will never change me and you

Humility

 I feel like I've failed in doing my duty as a mentor to my students

I'm obsessed with making sure that they get 3.5 pointers every semester

And they delivered

But I have failed to make sure that they get great pointers in moral and values as well

I was really proud of my mentees and the fact that I have the most number of mentees who get 3.5 pointers and above. I kept bragging to my friends about it.

But lo and behold, there's always a reason why you should stay humble.

Be humble.

And always check the wellbeing of your students

Really look at your students

Note their appearance and what might have changed over time

Always be approachable and make time for them 

Be humble

I wish I was more observant..

rezeki and jodoh

So yeah,  I turned 27 earlier this week
Alhamdulillah
I went out for tea with my friends, my ex students surprised me at Teluk Chempedak, my current mentees also made a surprise (party?) for me and as usual, a warm celebration at home with the family and nice dinner outside.
Birthdays are a great deal for me. I love celebrating them and it's great to know that others understood how important  it is to me. hehe.

As you turned older, well, there are certain expectations on you
the most common one is obviously, you should be married/getting married by now

Yeah, I understand why they are concerned, but it's not the end of the world if I'm not married by now is it?
I know friends who are really worried and unhappy for not having a spouse yet (myself included sometimes)
I have people who keeps on provoking me and suggesting that I have an irresponsible boyfriend ( I bet you don't know him at all to begin with)
I have people that I know who are miserable coz they're not married yet and they want me to be miserable and stressed out as well.
But do I really have to?
Well, you might say I'm not really in the position to say anything since I am in relationship with someone.
but you don't think that being in a relationship for years and not moving anywhere while others who just met for a few months and immediately got married is also frustrating at times?


My late father had a colleague who's been really nice to our family, especially my mom. She's been involved in so many charity work. When she's in Kuantan, she always made a point to come and visit my Mom and bear us with nice gifts. She even gave my mom  a large sum of money when she heard thatmy mom is going for Umrah. She's a really nice lady aaaand she's still single.
She just came to our house a couple of days ago and made me realized how much time I have wasted moping around and getting worried about when will I get married.

You see, rezeki comes in many different shapes and forms.
Not being married is also a rezeki.
Rezeki masa as you have all the time in the world to focus on yourself and also for you to do good things.
like you can do charity work outside since you don't have to be at home and you know, do the things that wives have to do.
you can join usrah, you can do part time work, or part time study.
you can spend time with your parents
Or being able to laze around on weekends and not having to feel guilty about it is a rezeki as well.
not many people have that privillege.
 It's how you use your free time that's important. Being all mopey and miserable is simply just a waste of time

We also have rezeki in terms of money
Like how my dad's friend can simply give some money to us
some people cannot afford to give money to others as they have their own responsibilities and family that they need to take care of
when you're not attached to anyone, this is the time when you can donate money for charities or give a large sum to your parents
Well, you still can do it even when you have a family because you wont lose anything by donating to others
But perhaps when you are still single, you can give MORE.

and freedom is also rezeki
You don't have to ask permission from anyone to go out and do whatever you like
You can go shopping on a Wednesday if you want to
You don't have to please your in laws yet (this is one of my greatest fear. hahaha)
You can wear shawl lilit2 smpai tercekik if you want to. you don't have to give in to the husband who prefers you in tudung bawal =P

Some of the things I listed may seemed petty to you
But those are the things that we often take for granted
To all the single ladies out there, rejoice!
Stop being negative!
This is your rezeki
Be happy and make full use of your time!
and for those who are married, cherish your husband, that's your rezeki as well
you might have to lose some of your freedom, but you gained something else in return

Life is fair if you see it in a positive light
and there's always a reason for things to be in a certain way


You complained about being older and not having anyone by your side,
but what have you done in your life?
what have you contributed to your family, society and religion?
have you contributed enough?
can you do more?
there's always work that needs to be done
Let's improve ourselves first and pray that our jodoh will be on our way.

Counting blessings

Meeting old friends are fun

But most of the time I would come back home feeling like a loser for not having

my own car, my own house, my own little family and also for making the least money among them.

On the brighter side,

I dont have to pay car installments, 

I live at home where my Mom do my laundry and where delicious, healthy, home cooked meals are always available, where the furnitures are complete and comfortable,

and I can still be selfish and laze around on weekends, not having to impresss anyone or cater to anybody's needs and my workplace is just next to my housing area, no traffic jams, 

Besides, I love to teach and I still get paid on top of 3 weeks semester break, TWICE a year.

Yup

In a way, my life is good

There's nothing to be embarassed about

Be grateful, self.

Mindless judgement

It's sad to know people who only know how to talk bad about other people

There's always something wrong with everyone

Something to criticize

Even meaningless point such as she's pretty tp pkai tudung senget. wth

How is that important?jealous much?

I mean cmon, you're not perfect yourself

And it bothers me that you dragged me in as well 

Just leave me out of it ok

And it bothers me that people think it's ok to print screen private conversations and share it with other people

Would YOU like to see your conversation being shared with other people?

Things can be minsinterpreted and taken out of context

Please la

Xpyhla nk malukan org lain

You jaga aib orang, insyaAllah aib you juga terjaga

A reminder to myself as well

Cakap kosong

Wartawan: adik, apa perasaan menonton persembahan tadi?

Adik darjah 3 kot: seronok.

Wartawan: apa yang seronok?

Adik darjah 3 kot: seronok sebab best.

Adik, x menjawab soalan ye.

Bukan soalan aras tinggi pun.

Ni x baca karangan students lagi. Panjang berjela tapi xde isi.