I'm sad

I still could not believe it
Is this true?
He won't be coming back home ever again?
Without even saying goodbye?

acceptance

I think it's time for me to come out and face the world with the truth
I've been spending too much time hiding and avoiding reality
I've been carrying too much burden keeping this by myself
It's not helping me in any way
and simply put, I'm tired.

My mom has stage 3 breast cancer.


There you go.
I said it.

I was away from home for a week to have fun with my friends
The rest of the week that followed were full with tears.

I accept the fact that my mum is sick.
But it pains me everytime I think of my poor little siblings.
Who's going to take care of them?
What if I get postedfor work  far away from the family?
What's gonna happen to them?
Are they gonna be ok?

I hope they will be fine.
I really hope that everything will be fine.
There are times when I find myself up in the middle of the night, wishing that everything has been just a dream.
A terrifying dream.
A horrible dream.
Nonetheless, a dream.
But unfortunately it's not a dream.
I have no choice left but to move forward.
And pick up all the little pieces that has been left behind.

Alhamdulillah,
eventhough we had our hopes a little bit too high in the beginning  only to get them crushed mercilessly over and over again,
my Mom has been doing really well.
That lady is such a strong woman.
She never shed a tear when she found out that she has cancer (while i had been crying my eyes out every night).
She had her left breast completely removed and had been through her first chemo session,
but she never let the illness to be the reason for her to just lay down and play the pity card.
She never complained or even appear to be sad about it.
She still can't lift heavy stuff yet as a result from her surgery, but she still resume her life as "normal" as she could.
she never spend her day laying down and asking people to do this and that for her.
no,no, not her.
she has little children that need her and she's determined to fight back the cancer for them.
she's an  amazing woman.

I,on the other hand, still trying my best to be the supportive daughter.
Most importantly, I'm still learning to control my emotions.
When there's so many changes happening in your life, it's not hard to lose your own sense of self.

Eventhough it has been almost 2 months since we received the news, I'm still learning to cope with it.
Everyday.

if something happens to you, what happens to me?

this is a test

a test of faith.

when you've been put through a really difficult situation,

you realized how strong your faith really is.

i thought i was much stronger than this.

redha:

it is such a simple, simple concept

but so hard to master.

so, so hard.

i know i should accept this

but i'm so angry

is it wrong for me to be angry?

even just for a little while?
without this anger i might just break..

life is a journey, not a race

now that I have turned 24,

still unemployed,

unmarried,

still lives with the parents,

acting like a child,

being treated like a child,

i have lots to complain about life.

how life is unfair to me

how far behind i am in life

most of my friends have achieved so many things by now

they have been working for at least a year now,

some of them have cars (heck, they can even afford flashy cars)

some of them are no longer on the singles market

and even had their own babies

while here i am
sitting at home

bored

frustrated

still uncertain of the future
it kinda sucks to not have absolute control of your future
and yes, i do know that i am not the only one .

while having fun tumblring,
i came across this phrase "life is a journey, not a race"
(i don't know where this quote comes from, but it doesn't really matter, does it?)
and then it suddenly occur to me,
why am i so stressed out that I am still not working?

who says that i should be working by the age of 24?
it's not that I'm not qualified, i just took a longer road in obtaining a degree.
who says that i should have babies by now?
am I such a worthless human being for not having all that?
of course not

I believe that God has His own plans for everyone

He knows what's best for us

so what if we still stay at home and have no other responsibilities?
that's not really bad.
at least you still have time for yourself and family

what's important is to learn and reflect from this whole journey

what you have been through up to this point
i might not have been fully employed just yet
but i have worked at different places, doing different kind of jobs
and that's something to be proud of
the kind of experience that others might not have

so in the end,
just relax, take it easy
enjoy the moment
there's no need to rush
it's not like we have to compete for the first prize in life.