Torn apart

(written on 23/5/2015)

I'm really scared of what the future will hold

Wouldnt it be best if we just live day to day not knowing what to expect

I just realized how dependent my mom had been on me for the past 3 years

Me, being the daughter who is denial, overlooked the fact that my mom is getting older, 56 years old

And we all know, is unwell

See the thing is, i guess children always see mothers as someone who has superpowers

Mothers know everything

Mothers can fix anything

Mothers can cook/bake/sew anythinh

Mothers never get sick or tired

Mothers never grow old

But she is old now

She cannot lift or carry heavy stuff anymore

She cannot eat certain food anymore

She cannot see things clearly now

Her memory is a bit fuzzy now from age and all the surgeries and chemotherapy sessions that she had gone through

She doesnt prefer to drive much now

She cannot hear things well anymore

And she's alone

She doesnt have her husband anymore

Her sons are away

She still has to take care of two schoolchildren

On top of that

Eventhough she is the one with cancer,

She's taking care of her own mother, my grandmother, who is practically bed ridden and extremely cranky and demanding.

She is a superwoman alright

Even with everything that has happened, she is the one who is taking care of her old, sick mother

Without much help from the other siblings, if I may add.

But I'm very sad to admit that I have failed to see why she depends on me so much

Eventhough I used to cry myself to sleep every night for fearing that God would take her away from us, now that i know that she's better, I'm taking her for granted again

And being selfish again

Getting angry when she asked for my help to go buy something, thinking that she could just go and get it herself

I keep on imagining and wanting for all of this to end

Wishing that I would just get married, quit my job, move to kl and start my own family

But what about my mother?

Who's gonna take care of her?

Who's gonna carry all those heavy groceries?

Who's gonna call the repairman should something in the house went kaput?

Who's gonna drive her around?

Who's gonna be with her if she's unwell?

I was too selfish to realize this earlier

All I could think of was, "well, they have to learn to let me go sooner or later. i need to have my own life too"

But they are my life right?

I cannot see how I can just leave my mom behind..

She's getting older

And alone..