kesibukan itu satu nikmat

you know how we often complain whenever we are super busy and have no time for ourselves? 

being swamped with work and barely have time to even eat? 

and we always complain that we're tired, have eyebags, no time to enjoy bla2... but I just realized that being busy is actually a blessing from the Almighty 

 Last week, my mom went for her first checkup, 3 months after she had completed her Herceptin treatment. 

I was so busy, she had to go to the hospital all by herself. 

There, they discovered that she has a big lump in her right breast.

 She didn't get the full result of her checkup until today. 

 You see, normally I would be worried sick and crying buckets after receiving the news, just like when she was diagnosed with cancer last year. 

Man, I cried my eyes out every night kot. However, for the past weeks (especially last week) I've been working like crazy.

 I just recently became a warden and it is a nightmare. 

 The thing is, because I was too busy with work, that left me with less time to worry. 

It's not that I don't care about my mom, I was just too busy to spend the little time and energy I had to be unhappy. 

 So the result was out earlier today. Alhamdulillah, the lump is benign. 

I couldn't be happier. 

 Alhamdulillah, because of my sudden hectic schedule, I did not worry. 

I did not get sad. 

God was kind to bless me with the workload so that I could still sleep at night because I was too tired to worry. God was merciful to bless with limited time for myself so that I could spend that time being happy. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Thank you Allah. 

 Thank you Allah for the good news. 

I just don't think that I have the strength to go through that grim and terrible ordeal again....

teaching is a work of heart

Last week, I went back to visit my form 3 kids in Muadzam Shah.
Much to my surprise, since they didn't know that I was coming until they saw my car in the school compound,
they greeted me with a perfomance!
I was so touched by their gesture. The whole batch gathered and delayed their outing and stuff to meet me.
I questioned myself, what did I do to deserve all this?

 The Xylomix- cool dudes with wicked dance moves and incredibly fluent in English of course ;)
A teacher is not supposed to have favourites but yeah, they're my favourites ;)

my  favourite girls. my first batch of girls when I started teaching back in my practicum heydays. It's interesting to see how  they have blossomed into fine ladies.

my homeroom babies. they even bought a cake for me eventhough I was a horrible mother to them. haha

truth to be told,
a short visit to muadzam is just what i needed.
I was feeling really down at my new workplace.
I had a hard time to adapt.
I did not enjoy teaching there at all.
At times, I feel like I want to quit and just give up teaching.
It took a lot of me  to teach a bunch of students who didn't even want to learn, who are just there to waste their time because their parents sent them there.
It was a struggle to teach a group of young adults who should have at least some basic English after 11 years of learning in school.
I felt like I was in a battlefield each time I enter a class full of students who didn't even know the difference between "he" and "she", "his" and "her". seriously, they're THAT bad.

But then again, that is my role as a teacher.
To provide them with knowledge, and to guide them.
To EDUCATE regardless of race, gender, and learning abilities.

The visit to Muadzam reminds me of who I inspired to be back when I was still a student-teacher.
M*** Muadzam Shah has a special place in my heart ; a place where I truly enjoy being surrounded with kids,
where I truly enjoyed being in class
where I feel fulfilled.


don't get me wrong.
the workload was no joke. it was hell.
but I really enjoyed doing the most important thing there- teaching.

Yeah, so from that short visit,  I learned to put my prejudices aside.
My new students (and future students) may not be as brilliant as my old students (heh. I never appreciate how brilliant they were before. After seeing the world outside, I realized that they are indeed, a brilliant bunch),
but my new students deserve as much (perhaps more) attention, and love, and care like I used to give.

anyhoo,
just in case I lost the pictures in the future
Here's some reminder, that a teacher has an impact on the students.
So Sha, stop complaining, stop being lazy and play your role well.

The Most Cheerful Teacher Award- I have been tested with tremendous hardship by The Almighty, but I found solace  and happiness in the classroom :)

 301 <3 i="">

 306 <3 i="">

 The Form 3 boys during my farewell party

 My class, 402 <3 i="">

 My final day in school, in front of my own class :D

Thoughtful gifts from the kids. Some of the kids whom I taught last year found out about my departure the very last minute. They had no time to buy gifts but still wanted to give me something. So in the end, they just wrapped up  whatever they have: maggi, biscuits, sweets.

 It was really cute. hehe

last but not least, THIS

funny, funny life

life is funny, isn't it?

you used to be one of the top students in school

everyone knows you

they had great expectations on you

and here you are

stuck in a 8-5 job with minimum pay

what happened to the countless nameless girls?

who never stands out in class?

they're doing their PhDs

travelling the world

buying houses and fancy cars

life is funny, isn't it?

money has never been such an issue before

but here you are

always think twice and keep on postponing

on getting a freaking HAIRCUT

life is funny, isn't it?

you used to dream big

being so ambitious

wanting to spread your wings and fly

and now, here you are

able to have a dreamless sleep is good enough

life is funny, isn't it?

you used to play hard to get

ignoring those who adore you

you think you'll get what you want

whenever you want it

and now, here you are

clinging in desperation

begging for attention

while others who are just not as pretty

are married happily 

life is funny, isn't it?

i know i should be grateful with what i have

i know i should not compare myself with others

but isn't life funny?

I'm sad

I still could not believe it
Is this true?
He won't be coming back home ever again?
Without even saying goodbye?

acceptance

I think it's time for me to come out and face the world with the truth
I've been spending too much time hiding and avoiding reality
I've been carrying too much burden keeping this by myself
It's not helping me in any way
and simply put, I'm tired.

My mom has stage 3 breast cancer.


There you go.
I said it.

I was away from home for a week to have fun with my friends
The rest of the week that followed were full with tears.

I accept the fact that my mum is sick.
But it pains me everytime I think of my poor little siblings.
Who's going to take care of them?
What if I get postedfor work  far away from the family?
What's gonna happen to them?
Are they gonna be ok?

I hope they will be fine.
I really hope that everything will be fine.
There are times when I find myself up in the middle of the night, wishing that everything has been just a dream.
A terrifying dream.
A horrible dream.
Nonetheless, a dream.
But unfortunately it's not a dream.
I have no choice left but to move forward.
And pick up all the little pieces that has been left behind.

Alhamdulillah,
eventhough we had our hopes a little bit too high in the beginning  only to get them crushed mercilessly over and over again,
my Mom has been doing really well.
That lady is such a strong woman.
She never shed a tear when she found out that she has cancer (while i had been crying my eyes out every night).
She had her left breast completely removed and had been through her first chemo session,
but she never let the illness to be the reason for her to just lay down and play the pity card.
She never complained or even appear to be sad about it.
She still can't lift heavy stuff yet as a result from her surgery, but she still resume her life as "normal" as she could.
she never spend her day laying down and asking people to do this and that for her.
no,no, not her.
she has little children that need her and she's determined to fight back the cancer for them.
she's an  amazing woman.

I,on the other hand, still trying my best to be the supportive daughter.
Most importantly, I'm still learning to control my emotions.
When there's so many changes happening in your life, it's not hard to lose your own sense of self.

Eventhough it has been almost 2 months since we received the news, I'm still learning to cope with it.
Everyday.

if something happens to you, what happens to me?

this is a test

a test of faith.

when you've been put through a really difficult situation,

you realized how strong your faith really is.

i thought i was much stronger than this.

redha:

it is such a simple, simple concept

but so hard to master.

so, so hard.

i know i should accept this

but i'm so angry

is it wrong for me to be angry?

even just for a little while?
without this anger i might just break..

life is a journey, not a race

now that I have turned 24,

still unemployed,

unmarried,

still lives with the parents,

acting like a child,

being treated like a child,

i have lots to complain about life.

how life is unfair to me

how far behind i am in life

most of my friends have achieved so many things by now

they have been working for at least a year now,

some of them have cars (heck, they can even afford flashy cars)

some of them are no longer on the singles market

and even had their own babies

while here i am
sitting at home

bored

frustrated

still uncertain of the future
it kinda sucks to not have absolute control of your future
and yes, i do know that i am not the only one .

while having fun tumblring,
i came across this phrase "life is a journey, not a race"
(i don't know where this quote comes from, but it doesn't really matter, does it?)
and then it suddenly occur to me,
why am i so stressed out that I am still not working?

who says that i should be working by the age of 24?
it's not that I'm not qualified, i just took a longer road in obtaining a degree.
who says that i should have babies by now?
am I such a worthless human being for not having all that?
of course not

I believe that God has His own plans for everyone

He knows what's best for us

so what if we still stay at home and have no other responsibilities?
that's not really bad.
at least you still have time for yourself and family

what's important is to learn and reflect from this whole journey

what you have been through up to this point
i might not have been fully employed just yet
but i have worked at different places, doing different kind of jobs
and that's something to be proud of
the kind of experience that others might not have

so in the end,
just relax, take it easy
enjoy the moment
there's no need to rush
it's not like we have to compete for the first prize in life.