change

It occurs to me

that everyone  has changed

and it bothers me so much.
I feel kind of disconnected with them.
I don't know what to talk about anymore.
I don't know what to ask anymore.
Some of the changes made me feel inferior to them
and very unhappy with my current self.





But then again, 

I have changed too.

Hope is the thing with feathers

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

sejuta harapan

Ya Allah terangilah gelap hitam hatiku
Ya Allah sucikanlah hati ikhlas untukMu
Ya Allah terangilah gelap hitam jalanku
Ya Allah sucikanlah hati ikhlas untukMu



I miss being in usrah...
:'(

oh the perks!

Oh the perks of being in a relationship with a pilot.
I guess I really should  get used to feel uneasy and nervous everytime he has to work.

My thoughts and prayers are with the passengers and families of flight MH370 and MH17.

It's been a sad year indeed for our country :(

quit

work has been really crazy right now
I honestly do not have the strength to continue my studies while working at the same time.
I just want to quit.
Please?

When can I see you again?

When can my heart beat again?

Out with the old, in with the new

Without me realizing it,
I have been working at this college for almost one year.
5 days from now will be my one year annivessary of becoming a lecturer,
of leaving the place where I truly found the joy in teaching.

And for the coming years, the record will state that I have only been working in Muadzam for one year.
The rest of my professional teaching years will be here, in Kuantan.
That's the reality that I've been trying hard to ignore.

I guess I'm still living in the past,
constantly comparing my old teaching environment and my current on.

But recently, I just realized that it was only me who hadn't moved on
I'm not that significant to them anymore
The students have ceased to keep in touch with me
I just realized that I didn't even know what happened to my homeroom babies anymore (it was fun meeting them last week though. they remind me that I used to love be around my students so much. haha)

I received the wake up call today.
As part of my bloody postgrad assignment, I had to create a test and run the test.
Since my college is on semester break, I asked my friend in Muadzam to run the test for me for her form 4 students.
Those Form 4 students used to be my precious babies. I was in charge of them since they were in Form 2. I also taught some of them while they were in Form 1.
I dedicated half of last year for them, for their PMR preparation. I knew every single one of them.

So the answer scripts arrived from Muadzam arrived today.
while looking through the scripts, I just realized that out of 30 students, I only know 10 of them.
The rest are new students. which I have no connection at all.
And that hit me hard.
Man, that blows.
Knowing that my own students have moved on, to different schools, while I'm still clinging on the past.

I guess nowis a good time to start over.
I'm starting to feel more comfortable at my current teaching place anyway.
I should just accept my new students as who they are.
I need to shift my perspectives.
In the end, it doesn't matter who I get to teach right?
As long as I still get to do what I enjoy doing, teaching.
and less workload. yeah, let's focus on that shall we?

I am grateful that I still get to teach.
that I still have a job.
that my job allows me to have some spare time to further my studies.
that my job allows me to stay with my family
Alhamdulillah.

Yosh! Let's start the new semester with new spirit!!!