13/12/14

Today is the 2nd annivessary of my father's passing

I still couldn't get over the fact that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to him

It still hurts. It still hurts.

May his soul rest in peace

Till we meet again in Jannah insyaAllah

Amin

Al Fatihah

Friends

Sometimes I wonder

Do I really have a friend?

Or am I just an afterthought?

Adapting to a new environment

During my school years

I've changed schools twice

Once when I was in standard 2

Another one when I was in Form 3

Changing school was hard

Fitting in was hard

I remembered feeling isolated

And getting stared at in school

It was uncomfortable

And scary

So I decided to made a scene 

I didn't want to ride on the school van

My mom had to drag me but I just keep crying

So I did get a day off

But staying at home and getting endless scold from Mom wasnt that great either

In the end, you just have to be strong and face your fear

Moving in to a new place,

A new community,

A new group is really hard.

They already have their own established members, their own rules and norms.

As the latest addition to the group,

The best way to fit in is just by keeping your head low

Stay quiet

And just observe.

Get the other members to like you.

Get them to know you.

Get them to respect u.

Slowly.

It takes time.

And during that time, try to improve yourself to get them to acknowledge you 

For example, study hard and be number 1. Suddenly everyone knows u and want to be your friend.

It took me a year to fit in.

By then, I would have gained enough trust and respect by my peers 

Instead of a follower, I was their new leader (yes, I have always been a leader. Thats why im so bossy. Heh)

My point is

When you are a new member of a group

Take your time to fit in

Yes it is hard

Yes it is challenging

But be patient

Remember, YOU are the one who just came in while others have bonded and have their own agreement on how things are

You should learn first, without being intrusive

YOU are the stranger

If you want people to like you,

You have to learn to respect others first

Follow their rhythm

You're not being a hypocrite

That's how human beings are

We change according to our environment

That doesnt mean that you have lost your identity.

So if you are the latest addition to the family

Please, be respectful

Mind your manners

You think it's easy for people to accept you after your intrusive entrance?

Think again.

Missing Papa

Short, small and balding Chinese men always remind me of my late father.

This place is full of men that fits that description.

I miss you terribly, Papa.

Al- Fatihah

Me and my Papa at my Graduation Dinner 😂

Personas

How do you project your self in front of others?
Does it reflects your true self?

After all, being a teacher requires you to put on so many hats;
to be different person depending on the situation.

Yesterday, we threw a farewell party to one of the lecturers in my department.
She was thoughtful enough to mention everyone in her speech and took her time to describe each one of them.
We barely knew each other since she was away most of the time. So I was surprised she even had anything to say to me.
She started of by saying that she has always admired me.
For always being cool and calm.
There's something in the way I carry myself, the way I speak.
And how professional I look all the time.

Cool and calm??
Are you freaking kidding me?
You really didn't know me huh.

Cool and calm are those two words that I will never use to describe myself.
Never, ever.
Emotional? Hot-tempered? Impatient?
Yup, those are all me.
But cool and calm?
Baby, you got the wrong number.

So when she said that to me, I was thinking of how my friends especially the Tengkujuhs would react to that statement.
They'll probably gonna have a heart attack.
Or die by laughing hysterically.
Haha

Surprisingly, two of my roommates who were also there during the speech agreed to it.
They share the same room with me for goodness sake.

They said that yes I do rant and have panic attacks etc but I did that in a cool and calm way.
What is wrong with you people?
Haahhaaha

But I guess there's some truth in it
I personally do not care over what's going on in the workplace
I refrained myself from gossips
Heck, I refrained myself from even talk to other people
I am pretty much comfortable to be confined in a small space with my 6 other roommates
The less interaction I made with people, the less things that they have to say about me right?
I do not care over administration issues or whatever crap they're complaining about
I do not care to respond to any Whatsapp/Telegram groups that I have been magically added to

What I do care is doing my job requirement: I never cancel  class unnecessarily and I always conduct assessments on time.

I guess my couldn't care less attitude about the ins and outs of that place is what makes me 'cool' and 'calm' and 'professional'.
heh
If only they knew...

Feeling overwhelmed

Everything that happened to me over the past few weeks have been terribly overwhelming.

Hence, the constant update on this blog.

I just need a space to vent out my anger, fear, frustrations and dissapointment.

I know I should be more positive

But when you tried so hard all this time

There'll be a time when u collapsed

And crashed

And burned

I need to learn to love myself back

I need to be the independent me back

Not this pathetic, whiny mess that I've transformed into.

chasing pavements

should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?

Space to breathe

I am 26 going on 27

I have no idea why some failed to comprehend that I do have my own life.

I have my own  will.

I have my own needs.

I have my own frickin problems.

And me being myself, I've always considered everyone's  best interests before making any plans and decisions.

But cmon gimme a break.

Gimme some space for myself.

Lemme have my own fun.

Lemme go and meet my own friends for goodness sake.

I'm sick of doing everything for everyone.

I'm sick of people dictating me on what I should wear, what I should eat, where I should frickin work( I am still very bitter over this one), how I should spend my own frickin holidays ,etc.

Newsflash, I'm not a kid anymore.

Green eyed monster

Containing the green eyed monster inside

is a great , never ending battle

bi iznillah

With Allah's will
Nothing happened without Allah's will
All the good things and bad things that happened are with His will.
So if something bad happened to you,
instead of pointing fingers and wrecking your brain trying to blame others and defending your self,
take a step back and reflect,
what is Allah trying to tell you?
Why do you think He allowed it to happen to you?
There's always hikmah


Remember that Sha,
So many misfortunes have fell upon you.
You lost your dearest father, you almost lost your dear, dear mother.
yet you are still ignorant, still indifferent, still careless,
still not trying to change to be a better Muslimah, still not devoting your self to The Almighty,
still got carried away with this dunya.

There's no better wake up call than this
You who used not to truly believe in things that we cannot see.
Even if it's clearly stated in the Quran and sirahs
In the end,
you finally realized
there's no one that could help you but Allah.
You have strayed far away and now you're begging for His mercy to help you, to save you.
For you're in great pain and danger and
There's no greater power than Allah.
He is The Almighty.
Come back Sha.
Don't go astray again.
Istiqamah.
Be strong.
You'll overcome this misfortune.
This unfortunate test.
This too shall pass.

It's almost the end of 2014

Time is running out

And I am definitely freaking out

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

change

It occurs to me

that everyone  has changed

and it bothers me so much.
I feel kind of disconnected with them.
I don't know what to talk about anymore.
I don't know what to ask anymore.
Some of the changes made me feel inferior to them
and very unhappy with my current self.





But then again, 

I have changed too.

Hope is the thing with feathers

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;	5
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I ’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;	10
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

sejuta harapan

Ya Allah terangilah gelap hitam hatiku
Ya Allah sucikanlah hati ikhlas untukMu
Ya Allah terangilah gelap hitam jalanku
Ya Allah sucikanlah hati ikhlas untukMu



I miss being in usrah...
:'(

oh the perks!

Oh the perks of being in a relationship with a pilot.
I guess I really should  get used to feel uneasy and nervous everytime he has to work.

My thoughts and prayers are with the passengers and families of flight MH370 and MH17.

It's been a sad year indeed for our country :(

quit

work has been really crazy right now
I honestly do not have the strength to continue my studies while working at the same time.
I just want to quit.
Please?

When can I see you again?

When can my heart beat again?

Out with the old, in with the new

Without me realizing it,
I have been working at this college for almost one year.
5 days from now will be my one year annivessary of becoming a lecturer,
of leaving the place where I truly found the joy in teaching.

And for the coming years, the record will state that I have only been working in Muadzam for one year.
The rest of my professional teaching years will be here, in Kuantan.
That's the reality that I've been trying hard to ignore.

I guess I'm still living in the past,
constantly comparing my old teaching environment and my current on.

But recently, I just realized that it was only me who hadn't moved on
I'm not that significant to them anymore
The students have ceased to keep in touch with me
I just realized that I didn't even know what happened to my homeroom babies anymore (it was fun meeting them last week though. they remind me that I used to love be around my students so much. haha)

I received the wake up call today.
As part of my bloody postgrad assignment, I had to create a test and run the test.
Since my college is on semester break, I asked my friend in Muadzam to run the test for me for her form 4 students.
Those Form 4 students used to be my precious babies. I was in charge of them since they were in Form 2. I also taught some of them while they were in Form 1.
I dedicated half of last year for them, for their PMR preparation. I knew every single one of them.

So the answer scripts arrived from Muadzam arrived today.
while looking through the scripts, I just realized that out of 30 students, I only know 10 of them.
The rest are new students. which I have no connection at all.
And that hit me hard.
Man, that blows.
Knowing that my own students have moved on, to different schools, while I'm still clinging on the past.

I guess nowis a good time to start over.
I'm starting to feel more comfortable at my current teaching place anyway.
I should just accept my new students as who they are.
I need to shift my perspectives.
In the end, it doesn't matter who I get to teach right?
As long as I still get to do what I enjoy doing, teaching.
and less workload. yeah, let's focus on that shall we?

I am grateful that I still get to teach.
that I still have a job.
that my job allows me to have some spare time to further my studies.
that my job allows me to stay with my family
Alhamdulillah.

Yosh! Let's start the new semester with new spirit!!!

being a uni student round 2

Round 2 same old study. I am still the master of procrastination. Master. geddit? haha

I didn't know that it's going be this hard.
 I simply assumed that by enrolling in a private university means things are "easier'.
 Wake up and smell the fear sister!
I am so lost right now, I feel like giving up.
Heck, I've been wanting to give up since Day 1. It's just not the same.
Studying while working is a serious challenge. on top of that, you're totally on your own. There's no friends that can support you and help you out when you're lost. I miss life in wellington.

Things are really hard right now.
Prolly coz i didn't really want to further my studies in the first place.
I am perfectly happy and proud of my degree thank you very much But I still have to get my masters degree if I want to continue teaching at the college where I didn't even enjoy teaching. What to do what to do.

 When I enrolled in this course, I promised myself that things will changed.
 That I'll be more organised.
That I won't do last minute work again.
Coz I paid for the fees myself!!!
Seeing your hard earned money gone like that... I wanted to get A+ in all my papers!
Gila Putting too much pressure on yourself until it becomes too unbearable to handle that I decided to run away and hide
 So here we are right now
Cold feet
Cold sweat
 Still procrastinating
 It's really hard coz I just can't focus solely on doing my assignments
There's family matter that I need to attend to
 There's the matter of the heart that I need to pay attention to
There's also all my whims and useless 'needs'
 AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
I really don't know how to do this assignment!!!!