faith and beliefs

Salam

hey there!
i know i havent written anything for quite sometime
there are things that i wanted to share but seemed to trivial write on
but i really, really wanted to share what happened tonight to you, my dear readers and also as a good reminder to myself

it's been an eye opening experience

a wake up call

at least, for me.

today we went to palmerston north to bring a friend of us from auckland.

at The Square (where there's a clock tower) we saw a christian preacher talking to no one in particular.

we walked pass him and well, just ignored him.

it was a common sight anyway.
we went ahead, taking some photos at a corner near him, on a tripod

using self timer

as God has destined it, a fierce wind passed by and well, the tripod fell.

alhamdulillah the camera is still ok.

as soon as the tripod fell down, the preacher and his wife came by

they offered to take our photos. we politely declined his offer but he insisted it and so we let him take our photo.

and a casual conversation followed by.

u know "where are you ladies from? what are you doing here etc etc etc"

and suddenly he asked us "what do you think of jesus christ?"

which is relatively easy to answer
and then followed by a range of questions on jesus, Muhammad, Quran, the validity of the Quran, the historical inconsistencies he found in the Quran etc etc

challenging questions.

he wasn't provoking us or anything

we had a calm dialogue regarding our faith.

my point is not his questions.

my point is how he presented and based his arguments on.

he came fully prepared.

with evidences. with proves.
some "archeological artefacts" or something.

which i have no idea of.

my point is that

it was embarrassing not to be able to rebut his "facts" coz we have no knowledge of it.
it was really embarrassing when at the beginning i have to say "i'm not in the position to say this blablabla coz i'm not exactly sure myself"

and what strikes me the most is when he asked whether i read the Quran?

i said i do. but deep inside, i know, that i just read on the surface.
without knowing the whole content by heart.

unlike this preacher, who memorized the bible and also studied the Quran.

picture this:

there i was

proudly parading my hijab, a symbol of my faith

but when being asked to discuss about this faith,

i was speechless.

what kind of message am i sending exactly?

what kind of muslim am i?

am i a good muslim?

what do i really know about my beloved faith?

why couldnt i answered all the questions on my religion?

if do read the Quran, why can't i presented evidences from the Quran?

the common excuse is that we dont know.

that we dont have enough knowledge on that.

that we didn't learned those kind of stuff.

that we are not ustaz or ustazah.

but how long do we have to remain ignorant?

have we done anything to change that?

why aren't we searching the knowledge ourselves?

(btw, the preacher had a master in bible studies)

it's humiliating to discover that i know all the trivial facts on celebrities

who dated who,

who appeared in which movie and so on

but i have little idea on sirah

and the lives and histories of our prophets

there's so many things that i have heard before but unsure of

the thing is

we always take things for granted

and take things on the surface

so we know the names of the 25 prophets

but do we know their whole stories?

so we pray 5 times a day
do we know the meaning of each prayers?

so we read the quran and read the translations
do we really understand the meaning of the translations? have we ever asked or seek information from those who are more knowledgeable?

praying, reciting quran etc without in depth understanding, without really thinking, are somewhat absurd, no?

what the preacher said tonight does not make my faith waiver at all

i was not moved at all. alhamdulillah.

but it does make me reflect on myself, as a muslim.

what kind of muslim am i? what do i really know about my faith?

why am i not seeking any knowledge to strengthen my faith.

knowledge in general.

thank you mr preacher.

i don't believe in the religion that you've preached.

but i do agree with you that we have to seek knowledge
and challenge ourselves.

don't believe and accept everything blindly.

reflection of the future

so it's already april
we have more or less 11 weeks to go before leaving this wonderful place

the question, am i prepared to go back and teach?
frankly, the answer is no.

I don't think I've done enough practices/fieldwork that help to build my self confidence.
urgh

yesterday, i taught a whole bunch of esol students
it was ok
it wan't fantastic or remarkable or life changing or anything like that
i must say that it went well
i may need to have more practical time management but overall it was ok

however
i noticed that the lessons were kind of successful due to the well planned activities(chewah.yakin tu)
but not because of my teaching

the thing is
i don't think i'm great at teaching
idon't know howto explain things clearly
i may have the knowledge but i don't think i have the ability to transmit the knowledge CLEARLY
coz let's face it,
i'm terrible during teacher-centred practices
i suck at explaining
i suck at giving instructions
i suck at summarizing the whole lessons
in short, i suck whenever i was the centre of attention
whenever i was the only person talking in the class

i wasn't nervous or anything
ok. i lied. i was nervous
but i have realized that i suck at explaining aeons ago

sheesh(and i want to be a teacher? a teacher who doesn't know how to teach?)

on the other hand
it's really good that we've been encouraged to use more learner-centred approaches
coz they help to minimize my teaching time
the only downside is having to plan interesting and relevant activities as much as you could
so yeah,
i'm definitely going to use that jigsaw thingy, that reciprocal reading thingy and blablabla
coz i find myself better when attending small groups rather than the whole class.

and that's just one aspect of the profession that i need to be worried about

there's a whole lot more but let's not worry bout that for now.

i'm really thankful for having a wonderful Associate Teacher this time

she's so carefree and nice

eventhough i don't think i did a wonderful job

she's very supportive and give really good feedbacks

she even offered us to be one of her teacher aides which would be a wonderful opportunity for us to practice and developing our skills

oh well, looking forward to another lesson next week!

hopefully it'll get better somehow ^^

prisoner of words

P.O.W
By Alicia Keys

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head

I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid
I am a P.O.W.

Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.

I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself
It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise

A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth

Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself
By holding your tongue
I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

mere mortals

even at a time like this

would you still deny the existence of a greater power than yours?

even at a time like this

would you still choose not to beg for forgiveness?

even at a time like this

would you still feel proud?

would you still feel that you are all high and mighty?

even at a time like this

would you still turn a blind eye to the fact that without His mercy,

we are hopeless and worthless being?

now i'm feeling so fly like a G6 like a G6 like a G6

sorta

this is supposed to be a sad and depressing entry where i will rant non stop about growing old and resent the society's expectations and responsibilities that comes along with age

but then again, i always rant in this blog.

my entries are usually bleak or with dark undertones.

i barely write about happy stuff (if there's any)

so since i had a really good birthday

i'll write about sunshines and rainbows

with pictures for a change

so we celebrated my birthday on the 18th because..

-i work on the 19th (scrubbing off people's toilet on your birthday is not fun at all)

-and a certain someone is off to japan on the 19th *super jealous*

eny made her super famous roast chicken

lots and lots of food from beloved friends. oh terharu. (sorry dely ak xjumpe gmba cake tanpa muka ak yg annoying itu)

and of course presents! you know you're old-er when your friends start to give you gold necklaces and handbags.

and on the 19th we went out for kaffee eis super-delicious ice cream!

telephone box. just because.

tsb arena

random painting on the sidewalk

queens wharf

blue sky + blue sea +great weather= awesome day!

and then we went to my favourite place in wellington : the te papa museum (yes, i LOVE this place! call me a dork. i dont care)

where we rode on their awesome rides and made our own wall of fame (or shame?)

overall, i never thought that turning 23 would be so much fun!

i was ready to be all melancholic and depressed (coz im dramatic like that)

but hey, you'll never be sad

not when you have your fantastic friends around!

thanks guys for throwing a not-so-surprise-birthday-party for me and for the fun (and adventurous) day out!

this is probably the last time we'll ever get to celebrate it together and this is definitely one birthday i'll never forget

xoxo

2011

it's 2011 already

6 months (more or less) till i bid wellington adieu

after watching this video,

i've become more reluctant to go back.

seriously, how narrow minded can you be??

it's disgusting

how to educate them?

i wonder..

...but if I can be allowed a mediocre generalization, don’t pointless things have a place, too, in this far-from-perfect world? Remove everything pointless from an imperfect life and it’d lose even its imperfection

Haruki Murakami

Sputnik Sweetheart