Personas

How do you project your self in front of others?
Does it reflects your true self?

After all, being a teacher requires you to put on so many hats;
to be different person depending on the situation.

Yesterday, we threw a farewell party to one of the lecturers in my department.
She was thoughtful enough to mention everyone in her speech and took her time to describe each one of them.
We barely knew each other since she was away most of the time. So I was surprised she even had anything to say to me.
She started of by saying that she has always admired me.
For always being cool and calm.
There's something in the way I carry myself, the way I speak.
And how professional I look all the time.

Cool and calm??
Are you freaking kidding me?
You really didn't know me huh.

Cool and calm are those two words that I will never use to describe myself.
Never, ever.
Emotional? Hot-tempered? Impatient?
Yup, those are all me.
But cool and calm?
Baby, you got the wrong number.

So when she said that to me, I was thinking of how my friends especially the Tengkujuhs would react to that statement.
They'll probably gonna have a heart attack.
Or die by laughing hysterically.
Haha

Surprisingly, two of my roommates who were also there during the speech agreed to it.
They share the same room with me for goodness sake.

They said that yes I do rant and have panic attacks etc but I did that in a cool and calm way.
What is wrong with you people?
Haahhaaha

But I guess there's some truth in it
I personally do not care over what's going on in the workplace
I refrained myself from gossips
Heck, I refrained myself from even talk to other people
I am pretty much comfortable to be confined in a small space with my 6 other roommates
The less interaction I made with people, the less things that they have to say about me right?
I do not care over administration issues or whatever crap they're complaining about
I do not care to respond to any Whatsapp/Telegram groups that I have been magically added to

What I do care is doing my job requirement: I never cancel  class unnecessarily and I always conduct assessments on time.

I guess my couldn't care less attitude about the ins and outs of that place is what makes me 'cool' and 'calm' and 'professional'.
heh
If only they knew...

Feeling overwhelmed

Everything that happened to me over the past few weeks have been terribly overwhelming.

Hence, the constant update on this blog.

I just need a space to vent out my anger, fear, frustrations and dissapointment.

I know I should be more positive

But when you tried so hard all this time

There'll be a time when u collapsed

And crashed

And burned

I need to learn to love myself back

I need to be the independent me back

Not this pathetic, whiny mess that I've transformed into.

chasing pavements

should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?

Space to breathe

I am 26 going on 27

I have no idea why some failed to comprehend that I do have my own life.

I have my own  will.

I have my own needs.

I have my own frickin problems.

And me being myself, I've always considered everyone's  best interests before making any plans and decisions.

But cmon gimme a break.

Gimme some space for myself.

Lemme have my own fun.

Lemme go and meet my own friends for goodness sake.

I'm sick of doing everything for everyone.

I'm sick of people dictating me on what I should wear, what I should eat, where I should frickin work( I am still very bitter over this one), how I should spend my own frickin holidays ,etc.

Newsflash, I'm not a kid anymore.

Green eyed monster

Containing the green eyed monster inside

is a great , never ending battle

bi iznillah

With Allah's will
Nothing happened without Allah's will
All the good things and bad things that happened are with His will.
So if something bad happened to you,
instead of pointing fingers and wrecking your brain trying to blame others and defending your self,
take a step back and reflect,
what is Allah trying to tell you?
Why do you think He allowed it to happen to you?
There's always hikmah


Remember that Sha,
So many misfortunes have fell upon you.
You lost your dearest father, you almost lost your dear, dear mother.
yet you are still ignorant, still indifferent, still careless,
still not trying to change to be a better Muslimah, still not devoting your self to The Almighty,
still got carried away with this dunya.

There's no better wake up call than this
You who used not to truly believe in things that we cannot see.
Even if it's clearly stated in the Quran and sirahs
In the end,
you finally realized
there's no one that could help you but Allah.
You have strayed far away and now you're begging for His mercy to help you, to save you.
For you're in great pain and danger and
There's no greater power than Allah.
He is The Almighty.
Come back Sha.
Don't go astray again.
Istiqamah.
Be strong.
You'll overcome this misfortune.
This unfortunate test.
This too shall pass.