Sunday, May 24, 2015

Torn apart

(written on 23/5/2015)
I'm really scared of what the future will hold
Wouldnt it be best if we just live day to day not knowing what to expect

I just realized how dependent my mom had been on me for the past 3 years
Me, being the daughter who is denial, overlooked the fact that my mom is getting older, 56 years old
And we all know, is unwell
See the thing is, i guess children always see mothers as someone who has superpowers
Mothers know everything
Mothers can fix anything
Mothers can cook/bake/sew anythinh
Mothers never get sick or tired
Mothers never grow old

But she is old now
She cannot lift or carry heavy stuff anymore
She cannot eat certain food anymore
She cannot see things clearly now
Her memory is a bit fuzzy now from age and all the surgeries and chemotherapy sessions that she had gone through
She doesnt prefer to drive much now
She cannot hear things well anymore

And she's alone
She doesnt have her husband anymore
Her sons are away
She still has to take care of two schoolchildren
On top of that
Eventhough she is the one with cancer,
She's taking care of her own mother, my grandmother, who is practically bed ridden and extremely cranky and demanding.

She is a superwoman alright
Even with everything that has happened, she is the one who is taking care of her old, sick mother
Without much help from the other siblings, if I may add.

But I'm very sad to admit that I have failed to see why she depends on me so much
Eventhough I used to cry myself to sleep every night for fearing that God would take her away from us, now that i know that she's better, I'm taking her for granted again
And being selfish again
Getting angry when she asked for my help to go buy something, thinking that she could just go and get it herself
I keep on imagining and wanting for all of this to end
Wishing that I would just get married, quit my job, move to kl and start my own family

But what about my mother?
Who's gonna take care of her?
Who's gonna carry all those heavy groceries?
Who's gonna call the repairman should something in the house went kaput?
Who's gonna drive her around?
Who's gonna be with her if she's unwell?

I was too selfish to realize this earlier
All I could think of was, "well, they have to learn to let me go sooner or later. i need to have my own life too"
But they are my life right?

I cannot see how I can just leave my mom behind..
She's getting older
And alone..