don't you think we oughta know by now? don't you think we should have learned somehow?

currently i'm working as a casual after school care assistant at a new place.

it's interesting to really see for yourself how different social background (i.e family's income) has a lot of influence on the kids behaviour.

while working there, i've been asked by the kids about my age plenty of times.

To make things interesting (yet hurtful), I always let them have a guess.

and usually they will say that I'm around 30-35.

wtfish.

do i look that old??

sheesh

anyhow, let's reflect back on ourselves when we were that age. say, 6 years old?

when we were 6, we thought that a 22 years old is like, really, really old.

a grown up.

a sensible, mature grown up who has life figured out and is very secure and confident and very responsible. someone you can depend on.

someone you could trust. someone that can do practically everything they wanna/required todo.

in my head, i used to imagined the 22 year old me should have achieved xxxx and xxxxt and would be able to do xxxx and xxxx and in the progress towards xxxx and xxxx.

sadly, none of this is true.

the 22 year old me is still a pathetic loser who has not accomplished anything that she could be proud of.

im still in the midst of a quarter life crisis.

i know that i need to do this and this and balance this and this but arghhh

the sense of insecurity is overwhelming.

which makes me wonder, how can i be a good teacher if i dont even trust myself?

when we were students, we looked up after our teachers right?

we trusted them to be able to take care of us.

How am i supposed to take care/ at least be a mentor to my students when I cant even take care of myself?

it scares the hell out of me thinking about coming back to msia for good next year.

because when we come back, we're no longer coming back as some silly students on holiday.

we're coming back as a full blown adults who are responsible for the future of the next generation.

i cant go back and still expect my mom to drive me around and give me pocket money

or just sleep and hope that things will get better in the morning.

maybe im thinking too much about unnecessary stuff.

or maybe, i'm just too scared of growing up.

too scared to leave this comfort zone.

this carefree and relatively slow pace of life them I'm having.

but in the end,

que sera sera

whatever will be, will be.

i'm so gonna miss this moment.

eventhough the uncertainty of the future is killing me, i'm definitely gonna miss being this irresponsible.