Babies and self worth

Should you have babies just to please someone else?

Be alright

It's the time of the year again when I'm updating this blog as a mean to escape from doing my assignments. 
aaaaaaaaa....
Honestly I just don't see the need to continue this master program anymore..
Obviously, taking the a semester off last year was a bad idea,
now I'm more demotivated than ever
The momentum has gone
and my grammar is all over the place
I guess you could tell how messed up my current state of mind is just by looking at the video I have chosen to accompany this post.
Seriously Sha, Ariana Grande?
But then again, I'm also a Belieber now. hahah

Assignments are long overdue but I hope I will somehow managed to hand in
We're gonna be alright

Being the bendahari for MUAFAKAT is driving me crazyy
We're gonna be alright

I gained 10 kg since I got married 3 MONTHS ago and my skin is acting up again
We're gonna be alright


My husband is great but LDR sucks big time
We're gonna be alright



We're in slow motion
Can't seem to get where we're going
But the hard times are golden
Cause they all lead to better days

We're gonna be alright
We're gonna be alright
We're gonna be alright

62

Terrified.

Finally.

Cognitive dissonance

Im writing this as i am currently overwhelmed with mixed emotions

I just came back from college as one on the judges for talentime competition

For the first time in 5 semesters, I was invited to be the judge

So yeah

I did enjoy myself at first

I was having fun, singing along with the kids, relieving my teenage years where we all had crushes etc

But as the show continues and they started to dim the light , then it hit me

It's Friday night. People usually recite Yasin on a Friday night

But here

The kids just sit wherever they like, regardless of gender

It's an enclosed space

Some of them were wearing inappropriate attires

Some of them were dancing like they're in a club

And i was there

Sitting there

And do nothing

I'm actually endorsing this right?

Which btw, totally against my beliefs

I fancy myself as more open minded than most people

Open as in accepting people's differences

Differences in opinions and ideas

But there's a line

I can be open but what God says is wrong is still wrong

I'm all about showcasing ur talents

Go ahead

I was an attention seeker myself when I was young

I used to love being in the spotlight, I still do

But there should be some boundaries

And people should have some shame

malu

Malu tu sebahagian dari iman

Sadly, without we realized it, the media (or u know, the power behind the media) is trying to manipulate us to buang sifat malu tu

And they are very successful in that

Just look at our entertainment shows like AF or Kilauan Emas,org dh x malu dh, yg dh tua, yg mmg xboleh nyanyi pun dgn yakin tnpa malu pegi audition

Look at social media

Instagram etc

People just simply share their selfies, their intimate pictures, videos with the whole world

I mean really, if u faham betul2 malu tu sebahagian dari iman, these things wont happened

Im not good at explaining this

But malu tu penting

Yes, malu bertanya sesat jalan

Jgn malu nk speak up and voice out your opinions

Jgn malu nk join debate etc

Jgn malu nk present in public

Jgn malu nk pegi interview

Byk bnde positif yg kite x perlu malu

But malulah nk share semua pasal kite to the public

Malulah nk share ur aurat to the world

Malulah nk menari terkinja2 dpn org

Kena malu

Kalau x malu dgn manusia, kena malu dgn Allah

I was really shocked la tonight

At the end, they turned off the lights and started dancing like they were in the club

And the other teachers were ok with it

Immediately i changed to warden mode and turn the lights back on myself and asked them to leave

There should be some boundaries

And there were other cases where I disagree with other English teachers

I mean yeah, we can have fun but...

Yeah jgn jadi jumud but please, xpyhla nk jadi jahil juga kot

In the end, we as teachers, we will be held responsible for the students

I think ramai x sedar tu

Being a teacher is not just about teaching ur subject

U kne guide them utk bentuk sahsiah, betulkan yg salah

Omg, i takut ok

Dosa i sendiri pun byk

And i am partly responsible for my students as well kalau i x tegur diorg when they are wrong

Lagila when I am together with them and see it happening with my own eyes

Thats why I always avoid going to the mall on weekends or stay connected with them on social media

Because I dont want to know how they are like outside the classroom

I dont want to feel guilty about not correcting them

Yeah, I know that's not the right thing to do either

It's really really hard

U want to be the fun type

U want the students to like you

But u also know what's right and wrong

U also want to be a good muslim and i want them to be good muslims too

Because we believe in the Hereafter

And yeah, the students are still young

I did silly stuff when i was young too

But I really wished there was someone who pulled me away from making those mistakes back then

Now as a teacher, I have the chance to do that

But tonight, I think I've failed

#uneditedrant

Sarang surowo

(written on 18/6/2015)

My  73 y.o skin doctor told me that the secret to sustain a relationship is to be loving and be lovable.

To be lovable

That's actually quite tricky

And lovable

Reminds me of this song

Hehe

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hj84sQLG950

Torn apart

(written on 23/5/2015)

I'm really scared of what the future will hold

Wouldnt it be best if we just live day to day not knowing what to expect

I just realized how dependent my mom had been on me for the past 3 years

Me, being the daughter who is denial, overlooked the fact that my mom is getting older, 56 years old

And we all know, is unwell

See the thing is, i guess children always see mothers as someone who has superpowers

Mothers know everything

Mothers can fix anything

Mothers can cook/bake/sew anythinh

Mothers never get sick or tired

Mothers never grow old

But she is old now

She cannot lift or carry heavy stuff anymore

She cannot eat certain food anymore

She cannot see things clearly now

Her memory is a bit fuzzy now from age and all the surgeries and chemotherapy sessions that she had gone through

She doesnt prefer to drive much now

She cannot hear things well anymore

And she's alone

She doesnt have her husband anymore

Her sons are away

She still has to take care of two schoolchildren

On top of that

Eventhough she is the one with cancer,

She's taking care of her own mother, my grandmother, who is practically bed ridden and extremely cranky and demanding.

She is a superwoman alright

Even with everything that has happened, she is the one who is taking care of her old, sick mother

Without much help from the other siblings, if I may add.

But I'm very sad to admit that I have failed to see why she depends on me so much

Eventhough I used to cry myself to sleep every night for fearing that God would take her away from us, now that i know that she's better, I'm taking her for granted again

And being selfish again

Getting angry when she asked for my help to go buy something, thinking that she could just go and get it herself

I keep on imagining and wanting for all of this to end

Wishing that I would just get married, quit my job, move to kl and start my own family

But what about my mother?

Who's gonna take care of her?

Who's gonna carry all those heavy groceries?

Who's gonna call the repairman should something in the house went kaput?

Who's gonna drive her around?

Who's gonna be with her if she's unwell?

I was too selfish to realize this earlier

All I could think of was, "well, they have to learn to let me go sooner or later. i need to have my own life too"

But they are my life right?

I cannot see how I can just leave my mom behind..

She's getting older

And alone..

Oh to be so young and innocent!

A recent conversation with the 3 old year old daughter of my friend went like this:

"Ain, bila besar nanti ain nak jadi apa?"

"Nak jadi tinggi"

When and HOW  did our lives get so complicated?