when you bid the world goodbye...

I know i'm supposed to be in bed right now to prepare myself for the journey tomorrow but I'm too disturbed to even close my eyes for a moment.
My housemate's mom just passed away earlier today.
It was unexpected. but then again, nobody can predict when they will die, even the sickly ones.
Though I have a few friends whom their parents just passed away, this one is different. Usually, I wasnt there when they received the news.
but today was different.
the girl was in the room next to mine.
I could hear her cries.
I could hear her wails.
It was heartbreaking.
and i can do nothing nor say anything.
nothing.

death
is inevitable
we all will die
sooner or later
there's nothing you can do to prevent it
no matter how "powerful" you are,
you will die.
you may tae all the suplements or the anti-ageing or whatever it is that may lasts you longer
but hey,
who says that you will only die when you are old?
you can be 12 years old and collapsed and die in a matter of seconds.
Only Allah knows.

death.
death.
death
disturbs me in so many ways:

1. the unpredictable nature of death itself is frightening. what if i'm gonna die soon? what if my family members will leave me soon? am i strong enough to face the challenge? will i be able to maintain my sanity? how will I die? am I able to say the syahadah before I die?

2.life in the hereafter scares me the most. are we ever prepared to meet The Creator?

3. how will you comfort a person who just lost her beloved ones? what is the right thing to say to her? what can you do to help her (if she needed to be helped). how will you face her? what tone should you use? what body language should you expressed?
argh. it was so frustrating. what ever that I have learned during counselling classes seemed so pointless today.
theories went down the drain. this is a real life situation. what can you actually do??
i was pretty upset with myself for being too afraid to face the housemate. i was so scared that i might hurt her even more (we were never close to begin with). so i avoided her. silly me. all i could do is to prepare the refreshments for the tahlil session as a gesture that I do care, but I could do nothing to comfort her.


May Allah rest her mom's soul in peace. Amin.

don't ever forget

Bukankah Dia (Allah) yang menciptakan langit dan bumi dan yang menurunkan air dari langit untukmu, lalu Kami tumbuhkan dengan air itu kebun-kebun yang berpandangan indah? Kamu tidak akan mampu menumbuhkan pohon-pohonnya. Apakah di samping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Sebenarnya mereka adalah orang-orang yang menyimpang (dari kebenaran).

Bukankah Dia (Allah) yang telah menjadikan bumi sebagai tempat berdiam, yang menjadikan sungai-sungai di celah-celahnya, yang menjadikan gunung-gunung untuk (mengukuh)nya dan yang menjadikan suatu pemisah antara dua laut? Apakah di samping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Sebenarnya kebanyakan mereka tidak mengetahui.

Bukankah Dia (Allah) yang memperkenankan (doa) orang yang dalam kesulitan apabila dia berdoa kepadaNya, dan menghilangkan kesusahan dan menjadikan kamu (manusia) sebagai khalifah (pemimpin) di bumi? Apakah di samping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Sedikit sekali (nikmat Allah) yang kamu ingat.

Bukankah Dia (Allah) yang memberi petunjukkepada kamu dalam kegelapan di daratan dan lautan dan yang mendatangkan angin sebagai khabar gembira sebelum (kedatangan) rahmatNya? Apakah di samping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Mahatinggi Allah terhadap apa yang mereka persekutukan.

Bukankah Dia (Allah) yang menciptakan (makhluk) dari permulaannya, kemudian mengulanginya (lagi) dan yang memberikan rezeki kepadamu dari langit dan bumi? Apakah di samping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Katakanlah, "Kemukakanlah bukti kebenaranmu, jika kamu orang yang benar."

Katakanlah (Muhammad), "Tidak ada sesuatu pun di langit dan di bumi yang mengetahui perkara yang ghaib, kecuali Allah. Dan mereka tidak mengetahui kapan mereka akan dibangkitkan"

(An-Naml, 60-65)

don't you think we oughta know by now? don't you think we should have learned somehow?

currently i'm working as a casual after school care assistant at a new place.

it's interesting to really see for yourself how different social background (i.e family's income) has a lot of influence on the kids behaviour.

while working there, i've been asked by the kids about my age plenty of times.

To make things interesting (yet hurtful), I always let them have a guess.

and usually they will say that I'm around 30-35.

wtfish.

do i look that old??

sheesh

anyhow, let's reflect back on ourselves when we were that age. say, 6 years old?

when we were 6, we thought that a 22 years old is like, really, really old.

a grown up.

a sensible, mature grown up who has life figured out and is very secure and confident and very responsible. someone you can depend on.

someone you could trust. someone that can do practically everything they wanna/required todo.

in my head, i used to imagined the 22 year old me should have achieved xxxx and xxxxt and would be able to do xxxx and xxxx and in the progress towards xxxx and xxxx.

sadly, none of this is true.

the 22 year old me is still a pathetic loser who has not accomplished anything that she could be proud of.

im still in the midst of a quarter life crisis.

i know that i need to do this and this and balance this and this but arghhh

the sense of insecurity is overwhelming.

which makes me wonder, how can i be a good teacher if i dont even trust myself?

when we were students, we looked up after our teachers right?

we trusted them to be able to take care of us.

How am i supposed to take care/ at least be a mentor to my students when I cant even take care of myself?

it scares the hell out of me thinking about coming back to msia for good next year.

because when we come back, we're no longer coming back as some silly students on holiday.

we're coming back as a full blown adults who are responsible for the future of the next generation.

i cant go back and still expect my mom to drive me around and give me pocket money

or just sleep and hope that things will get better in the morning.

maybe im thinking too much about unnecessary stuff.

or maybe, i'm just too scared of growing up.

too scared to leave this comfort zone.

this carefree and relatively slow pace of life them I'm having.

but in the end,

que sera sera

whatever will be, will be.

i'm so gonna miss this moment.

eventhough the uncertainty of the future is killing me, i'm definitely gonna miss being this irresponsible.

live rugby experience #2

though i still think that rugby is a pointless, ruthless game,

but dayum the All Blacks,

you guys are sweet as!!!

erase and rewind

just got back from JUNZ 2010

similar to last year,

came home full of hope and determination

to start all over again

to rejuvenate the iman

to start prioritizing what's important in this mere life

and having a deeper, clearer future plan.

the more you understand the purpose of life,

the clearer your future plan will be,

and life will definitely be meaningful.

there's more to life than what you think.

there's a lot more to life.

a new beginning.

to get better.

to be istiqamah, steadfast,

that's the challenge.

meeting new people

and living in a different kind of environment,

definitely get me to reflect the way i lead my life:

there's always someone who's more knowledgeable,

more successful yet more humble

more kind

more thoughtful

always sincere.

they definitely motivate us to become better.

made us realized that we need to be better

there's a lot more to learn.

there's so much more that we dont know.

there's so many things that we took for granted.

so many things to do.

there's no time to waste.

may we always stay in the right track.

whatever happened in the past is not to be forgotten but to motivate us to become a better muslim/ah.

let's colour the future! ^^

the right to remain ignorant

whenever there's an assignment coming up, there's always the urge to update this blog.

i dont want to remain ignorant

but the thing is, i am not interested in things that im forced to learn

i just dont care.

i dont care about these linguistic stuff

pffffttt